‘At 14 I candled eggs’ 

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By Jaymz Lea

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To make sure the clutch of canary eggs develop and hatch together, 

remove the first four eggs she lays and replace with dummy eggs.

Hen’s will happily sit. 

When laying stops, remove dummies and return real eggs. 

During two weeks incubation, canary eggs must be candled. 

Historically, wax candles were used. 

Holding the eggs up to the light lets us see shadows of life.

Holding the eggs up to light lets us see if it’s ‘blind’ (empty of life).

 

I followed these instructions

to prevent withering, at all costs.

 

Every day, I switched 

those speckled egg potentials 

for pink plastic placeholders. 

Wrong colour – she didn’t mind. 

Her yellow breast resumed waiting, 

warming those innocent imposters

whilst her actual clutch sat cradled 

 

 

in a humane nest of old socks, 

beneath my poster of Celine Dion. 

When her laying clock struck stop

so did my dutiful trick. 

I’d return all eggs to the nest as one

to hatch together. 

No runt to cool, to ignore, to perish 

 

like a shrivelled shroom, lost at the back of my fridge –

no one had to die. 

This was my life at 14,

fancying Jason Donovan  

stealing my dads silk cut ciggies 

and candling canary eggs.

Shining torches through shells 

 

to check for blue uncracked aches, 

for that veined occupied space.

Shame that I act out my relationships 

this way, impose order

to avert being left 

to cool and wither

always resuscitating something half gone.

 

Hoard notes, cards, ticket stubs 

from The Book of Mormon – 

a cartography that our coupledom was alive.

I substitute the real

and dummy myself. 

Project my sparkle onto hollow shaped Hims,

ignore tricks of my own light.

 

Crack jokes at relentless hope as she sobs 

“could we start again please?”

Nests like spider webs that glue Hims to me:

60:40 Asda shopping bill split

brood fragile thin skinned Hims,

who happily hand out crumbs to an Eagle.

In private, always stomping on eggshells.

 

At 39, I candle ruins and after parties of us,

one day I’ll peel the shell from my eyes.